Friday, April 20, 2007

un-real

Parents should not have to bury their children. I have seen to much of that this month. First my friend died. I went to the family grave side service. I don't know how her parents and sister are still living much laughing and praising God like they are. It was heart breaking. I cant even imagine. That day was the hardest day of my life. Me and the girl were not even close. But, Dan and my brother, and Josh and many of my other guy friends all considered her their best friend. Having to be the one they all turned for a soldier to cry on and a hand to hold was difficult. I wanted to take their pain away. I wanted to make everything better. But, there was nothing I could do except hold them.

And to think, That was one friend. At VT they lost 33. So, take the tragedy my group of friends went through, and multiply it by 33. Its un-real.

Monday, April 9, 2007

My future plans

Lots of yall have been asking my plans. So, I will share a paper I had to wright for a class. It pretty much explains my reasons for everything.



I Took the Road Less Taken

Published in 1916, Robert Frost’s poem, “The Road Not Taken” appeared in his collection Mountain Interval.

“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.” (Frost 695-696)

The poem shows how the persona Robert Frost created is an individual and did not do everything society expected of him simply because he “took the [road] less traveled” (19). This poem reminds me of a choice between two paths of life I have recently had to choose from. I had to choose either to drop out of college to get married, or stay in college and have to wait to get married.

Most people have taken the same path through life. They graduated high school, went to college, and graduated with a degree, and then they got married. Even though there is nothing wrong with an alternative decision like not finishing school or getting married before one graduates from college, few people actually decided to take that path. Friends, family, and society in general see the typical way of doing this as “having perhaps the better claim” (7), causing them to look down their noses at any alternative decision that a person might make. However, this planned life of high school, college and then marriage is not for every person. Some people are much happier doing things their own way, by taking the road “whose leaves no step had trodden black” (12).

My boyfriend and I started talking about our future together over a year ago. We both knew we were one day going to get married, even though we did not know when. We both knew that we wanted to go into youth ministry somewhere and eventually have a family. Some people have called me old-fashioned for wanting to work alongside my future husband in the ministry and be at home for my kids rather than pursuing a career of my own. However, I want to be a part of my family and be there for my kids when they need anything, especially while they are young. Once they are in school, then I would like to have a job as long as their school and my work schedule coincide. After we discussed every aspect of our future, we were confident that eventually our parents would support us with our decision. We told our parents about our plans, and over spring break, he purposed. We had our parent’s complete support.

I learned when I was growing up that people who do not get a college degree, will lead poor and unhappy lives. Not to mention be a second-rate citizen to those who did graduate from college. I realized during my first year at college that college is not for everyone, and I would not be failing in life if I did not finish college before carrying out my own plans for my life. For me, both paths are “worn…really about the same” (10). Both choices are good choices; one just has to choose which choice best fits the path of life they have chosen.

I loved going to college and learning despite all the difficulties. Yet, I had two roads to choose from, and I was “sorry I could not travel both” (2). If I stayed in college, I would be gaining student loans to get an un-useful degree for which I was interested in, but it was not something I was truly passionate about. Moreover, I would not have been able to get married to the man I love until later on in life. We would both be in school so it would have been almost impossible to afford married life. I made the decision to not complete my college education because spending thousands of dollars on something I was not passionate about made no sense to me. After thinking about which path to travel for a long time, I decided that even though college is a great thing, it is not what I was supposed to be doing right now. I think it would be great to go back to school later, but the likelihood of my ever choosing this option is not very likely. Because “knowing how way leads on to way” (14), one decision is going to lead to another decision and “I [doubt] if I should ever come back” (15).

I seriously considered the two roads I had to choose from; “and [I] looked down one as far as I could” (4). I was majoring in dietetics because I really was interested in working with anorexic teens. I became interested in that because I have been through an eating disorder and I felt like I could relate to the girls I would be working with on a much more personal level than someone else that has not been through it before. It was something I cared about and could see myself doing, even though I felt called to be in the ministry. I thought about all the money it would cost and tried to decide if it was worth it. If I stayed in school, we might not have been able to get married when we wanted to. Then I considered going to beauty school. I could become a cosmetologist in less than a year, therefore I would be finished with school and have a job that pays better than minimum wage by the time I was married. No matter where we decided to live, I would be able to find a job. When I have a family, I would be able to work part time and still be able to spend time with them.

I decided to attend beauty school. The choice to drop out of college and go to beauty school instead so that I can marry the man I love has “perhaps the better claim” (11), so I am convinced that my decision to take “the one less traveled by/… [will make] all the difference” (19-20). One of these days, I will look back on my life and know that this one decision controlled the rest of my life. I hope that I will still believe it was the correct decision for me.

Friday, April 6, 2007

WHY?

A good friend of mine died last night. She was driving home from school to spend Easter with her family. She fell asleep and crossed the median and never made it home. I know God has a plan and timing for everyone. But sometimes I wonder why he takes good people. She could have done so many amazing things for God here on earth. Why cant God let her stay a little longer. Why take a girl when she is 20 years old who has her whole life and numerous possibilities in front of her. I was thinking about this in the car driving today and I just bawled. Her dad is never going to get to walk her down the isle. her family never gets to see her walk across the stage graduating from college. Everyday of their life is going to be completely different because a part of them is missing. I cant even imagine their holidays being joyful times.

Me and her were not amazingly close friends. But, we went to church together, small groups, worked together and school together. So we hung out a lot, and we had all the same friends. Her and my brother were really really close. They worked at Java together for several years. They both go to school in Tennessee. Normally they ride back together to save gas. He would have been with her, but he couldn't get off work(until this happened...he is home for the week now). Part of me thinks that if he was with her she would have never fallen asleep. But the other part of me is so relieved he is safe. But that is selfish, and I hate myself for feeling that. Dan was even closer to her than my brother was. They worked together at Java to, and graduated together. They went to prom together. She was one of his best friends. He is the only person I have seen so far, He hasn't talked yet, obviously. But I can see in his eyes, he is hurting so bad. I wish I could take it all away for him, and everyone!! I am hurting so much for him and my brother right now. Of course, her and her family. I just cant imagine.

I got home today and hugged my sister for the longest time. I am so thankful that God has blessed my family in that way. I was talking to a friend the other night about death before all of this happened. He was talking about loosing people he was close to and asked me if I had. God has really blessed me in that area. I never really knew my grandfather, so this girl is the closest person to me that is now gone. This is going to be a hard weekend. seeing friends we haven't seen in forever, but it wont be at all happy, because a huge part of our group is not going to be there.

I'm not going back to Faetteville till late Tuesday night, So I will see you guys then.

Monday, April 2, 2007

Lil Bro!

Me and my brother have a strange relationship. We are always picking on each other. But we really do love each other. Over Christmas break he stood up for me against my mom when she was being completely rude to me. That really made me almost cry. Because mom is always comparing me to him, and I never measure up because he is seriously a genius. He is going to get paid to go to college...completely not fair. It really meant allot for him to stand up and be a man and tell my mom that she always treated him better than me and always took my side. Wow, he is such a cool person!

The day me and Dan got engaged, we went home to my house right after to show my family. Mom kinda just looked at it and gave me "the look." But when Shaun walked in and I told him. He jumped up and down and hugged both of us and said he was soo excited and happy for us. I was like...WOW! My little brother is soo cool!! I don't think anyone else we have told was as excited as he was. It really means allot to me to know that someone in my family is really happy for me, and not just saying they are.

Why cant his excitement and personality rub off on the rest of our family? I even caught myself wishing Dad would become more like him. Because Dad just lets mom walk all over me and say rude things. Shaun heard her say something not true once and called her on it. Now, that's a man! Dad doesn't say or do what he wants to because mom doesn't agree. Shaun says whatever he thinks and believes no matter what other people say.